Here’s some great news, a big flash. I’ve discovered a new diet. It really works. How well does it work? I can’t say for sure, I’ve only been on it for four days, under the supervision of others. They read the scales and just grin when I ask “How much?”

As any good diet should, this one has a name. No doubt you’ve heard of many popular ones that claim to work. But do they guarantee anything? Oh, they skirt around the edges of a guarantee, but usually come up just short of one.

To do that, they use qualifying words like “combined with proper exercises,” or some such.

My new diet doesn’t skirt around the edges of a guarantee, it nails the bullseye of that target. Plainly and simply put, my new diet makes this unequivocal promise: Follow it long enough and you will lose weight. Now there is no guarantee of how many pounds, only that you will weigh less in the end — of the diet, that is.

How long does this diet take? When will the end be? The answer to those questions are beautiful factors in making this diet so attractive. For you see, the end comes anytime you want it to. When you are satisfied, cut the switch. Stop the process whenever you want, for in this diet, you are the one always in control.

All good diets must have a name. Over the years I remember as surely you do, diets with names like “the no bread diet,” “the no carbohydrate diet,” and “the no meat diet.” There are others that call for no sugar, no meat or names which call for excluding whole groups of food or eating such foods exclusively.

None of those names can properly describe my new diet. It is best described by its simple name, “No.” Yep, just one word — “no.”

When you want extra potatoes, bread or meat, my diet says “no.” Want dessert? The answer is “no.” Want a midnight snack, a midday snack or popcorn at the movies? With all those, the answer is still “no.” 

I can hear the questions, “Is there anything I can eat on this new diet?” The answer is still the same, “no.”

Can I eat? “No.” Can I drink? “No.” Oh, with one exception, water. You can drink enough water to swallow any medicine prescribed by your doctor and no more. 

This diet worked for me, so I can promise it will probably work for you.

“Individual results may vary.” There’s the small print along with “how long it takes to meet your personal goals depends on how closely you follow the ‘No diet’s’ routine.”

That this diet worked for me is true, but I must add that I did not subscribe to the “no diet” voluntarily. That just sort of happened.

It all began with an episode involving East Tennessee’s too hot, too humid weather. It seems I spent too long in that weather Saturday and that exposure, combined with my allergy to UV rays, proved to be too much for my old body to withstand.

My appetite quickly died and after a Sunday breakfast of an egg and one piece of dry toast, I had only four saltines the rest of the day. There were other complications beside the loss or desire for food. I’m sure you understand those.

There followed an unusual thing: a disagreement between Helen and me. She said “You’re going to the doctor.”

I said, “No, I’m not.” Thirty minutes later, we were on the road.

Two hours thereafter, I was confined to a room and was introduced to what became my “new diet.”